God’s Timely Messages

Timely, as God’s messages always are, the day before Thanksgiving, this is what He gave me.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with the day-to-day feelings of inadequacy, lack of peace, frustration, and just all around not feeling my best. Physically, emotionally, spiritually.

I’ve been doing the Armor of God Bible study with my mentor, and one of the common themes in the study so far reiterates putting on our God-given armor, but also how all of it points back to God and His goodness and love for us.

All He has equipped us with and gives to us freely.

2 of the gifts I noticed popping up repeatedly are peace and joy.

Peace. Joy. I sigh as I read them and highlight them for the 17th time in the book, and I only hit chapter 4. Where are my peace and joy? Why don’t I have those things when I’ve been a Christian for 12.5 years now?

“Where are my peace and joy, Lord?” I asked this past weekend, the past month, the past hour. When my schedule has been too jam packed for me to write, clean my house as thoroughly as I want, read even a chapter of a book I want, sit down with a cup of hot cocoa in front of my Christmas tree, or even…. I don’t know, breathe? Where are my peace and joy then?

Where are they when life feels so hard lately that I cry at the drop of a hat, wonder why others even love me, ask my husband why he married me when I’m such a basket case, have to count to 10 before I speak to my kids because I’m so close to yelling at them, and even spiritually, when I feel I’m in a drought season?

“Where are my peace and joy, Lord? Why don’t I have those things?”

When I met my mentor for breakfast on Thursday to discuss the chapters we went over in our study, I talked to her about this. She’s a nurse and aware of some of the withdrawals I’m experiencing from my severe medications, and also, homeschooled her 4 children, and has a husband with similar life experiences as mine. She knows what it’s like to be overwhelmed with little kids, struggle with weight, and feel unattractive and unloved, just like I do.

And when I told her, with tears in my eyes, that I had experienced no sort of peace and am feeling very unqualified to live my life, she stared at me for what felt like 30 seconds in silence. We talked about the serious withdrawal symptoms for my medication, overwhelm with the daily life of a mom and police wife, but then she asked me a question I didn’t expect.

“So what are you thankful for this week?”

“What?” I asked her. How could I be thankful when every day feels like I’m carrying a 40-pound hiking bag through mud?

Okay, that’s a bit dramatic, but seriously… how could I be thankful for that?

“Well,” she started and patted my hand. “My kids are mostly grown now, but if there’s one thing I could go back and redo when they were little, it would be to practice being grateful. With them. I wouldn’t complain as much, because they learned that from hearing me do it all the time. Even when it feels hard to see, there is a lot to be thankful for in our lives. We have wonderful children, a supportive husband, and a God who loves us more than we could ever fathom.”

I sat there for a moment, thinking about how I am a glass half empty type of person. How hard I am on myself and how my expectations in life are very low–mostly as a defense mechanism to not get my hopes up. I complain a lot and am self-loathing. A behavior branded into me since I was young. It’s one of satan’s favorite tools to use against me.

He likes to make me think there’s nothing for me here on earth, that I’m not capable of doing anything right, that I’m unlovable and my family and friends would be much better off without me. He’s good at making me think I have nothing good in my life, and that God hasn’t given me joy.

He has. I just refuse to take it.

As my mentor and I sat at the table for another hour, we talked about gratitude. I had already been struggling with thoughts of my past earlier that morning when I pulled into the parking lot, and it was no coincidence that my mentor mentioned being grateful for the things that God brought me through. Which were SO many, I can’t even begin to count! Some of you know my testimony, and you know what amazing things God has done in my life.

How could I be ungrateful when the reminder that He has saved me from so much is evidence of what He’s given me?

So. I prayed about this and repented for being so ungrateful lately. I asked God to help me turn this around, and that I would be reminded of all the things I have to be grateful for. I’m still working on it, and I know it’s going to take time since my brain has been trained to focus on the negative. But really, there is A LOT to be thankful for, and instead of focusing on the overwhelming hardship, I can focus on the overwhelming things God has given me that can bring me joy.

“I think people think that peace is a feeling,” my mentor said as we ended. “But we forget, it’s something that we have to choose. He has given us peace, but we have to choose to dwell in it. It doesn’t come from happy feelings, or clean houses, or perfect circumstances. It comes from knowing we are secure in Him, and that He has us no matter what. It comes from knowing we are His children, and there’s nothing that can tear us away from that.”

I looked up the dictionary definitions of the word joy. Here’s what it said:

Joy; a feeling of great happiness and pleasure caused by something good or satisfying.

BUT. The biblical definition of the word joy is different.

Joy; a deep enduring feeling of gladness that comes from a relationship with God, rather than from temporary circumstances. It is rooted in hope, faith, and trust in God’s promises, even during hardship.

Huh. Those are… very different.

I looked up gratitude in the dictionary.

Gratitude; the quality of being thankful.

Then, I looked up the biblical definition of the word gratitude.

Gratitude; An intentional act of faith, worship, and a response to God’s goodness. Recognizing Jesus as the source of all blessings.

I noticed both the biblical definitions required intentionality. They are both rooted in trusting and recognizing Him, even during these really hard days.

I think the world teaches this to us all wrong. We believe we have to experience happiness and then have joy afterwards.

But we can have joy in the midst of hardships. My pastor said on Sunday, “Joy can coexist in sorrow. Even while acknowledging hardship and suffering.”

That stuck with me. My kids and I have been re-watching a show on Angel that we have loved. And there’s one song that I can’t stop listening to, out of all of them that are so good.

It’s not a spoiler for the MMC because it’s an opening scene, but he has been through some really really hard things and abuse and is currently a foster child forced to attend a Christian camp.

This song includes It Is Well, and the brief history of it, as well as these 2 main characters, learning how to thank God for all the bad things that happened to them.

While the words may sound strange to some, just think about their meaning. When she says “The hell of it,” she’s talking about everything she has been brought through, including the hard times.

I pray that it would encourage you to know you’re not alone in whatever you’re experiencing and that during Thanksgiving, and every day after, you will choose to pursue gratitude and that you may be filled with the joy He so freely gives.

Happy Thanksgiving, my friends

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